It’s amazing how in a relationship we change and adapt to each other.  New Husband and I were talking last night (while loading the dishwasher) about the positive effects each of us has had on the other.  Inadvertently, he has influenced me into being more of a homebody than ever before (maybe by making our home so happy and appealing to be in) and I’ve influenced him to be more technologically inclined, and hopefully, a bit more tolerant of others choices.

We joked about how, if I had gone on to med school as I’d wanted to, how things would have changed and if we would have eventually met each other.  I told him, that if I had went to a bigger college in NYC, I’m sure I would have been completely a different person.  Our environment really shapes who we are and who we become.  This really shows me how critical it is for all of us to have our children in positive environments that adequately reflect the values we want them to have.  THAT would be why, even on the evening when I’m dead exhausted and already went running, and B comes up to me and really wants to go for a rollerblade before bed…I hesitate (but only for a millisecond) and go grab our skates and helmets.  I want her to choose exercise and a healthy lifestyle because it’s fun and not because of any of the plethora of reasons other people choose it.  I also go along with her plans to “make a difference” because those are the values I want to embody for her.

Embracing the changes in your life, creates the new you, the one that you haven’t even dreamt about yet.

Though I suppose you aren’t so “little” anymore, we still continue to call you that.  

You have made my life exactly what it’s supposed to be.  

You are the kindest, most empathetic, compassionate person I’ve ever met.  You have more spunk in your one braid than most of us do in our entire body (could it be from watching Bring It On-All Or Nothing so many times?;)). 

I’m sorry it’s raining today.  I know you wanted a boating birthday, but we’ll do that another day.  I guess maybe it’s God crying happy too.  I know yesterday and today, I’ve been emotional.  Last night, when I “kissed eight goodbye” and you laughed at me, I was serious when I said you are halfway to college.  Unlike lots of people, it hasn’t flown by-it’s been AMAZING.  I’ve never had so much fun in my life and I’ve certainly never loved so much.  And “kissing nine” this morning, well that was pretty special.  I’m sure I’ll be a bigger wreck next year when you hit the double digits.  

It’s been you and me for so long, and this past year, when we moved in with the boys and got married, well it’s been a much harder adjustment for your mommy than for you.  I’ve never really been good at sharing you.  That’s why I didn’t give birth to you until the day they were scheduled to induce you to come out.  I like you being mine all mine.  I know that’s selfish, but I just enjoy so much about you.  That attitude is amazing.  Where did that come from?  You have so much of your Daddy too.  His creative side, the musical side, the laid back demeanor-that’s him.  The hyper, perky, childlike fun side…ha, ha, that’s your momma.  Silly faces and endless giggling to the point where we can’t breathe…oh yeah, momma again.   There are some days I miss our alone life so very much.  We still spend lots of alone time, but it’s very different.  You love being a “family”.  You love being surrounded by more people than I do.  B, you are going to do really great things.  Yes, even greater than showing your mommy what real love is.  

I of course, got you tons of presents.  But when I went to work yesterday, I played Tim McGraw’s song “My Little Girl” (the one we did a video of you with for your Daddy’s birthday this year), and I realized one thing.  This whole job decision has been so hard because of a comfort zone issue.  But I have the option now to choose the most important thing-time with you.  Thank you for being the one steady constant in the five years of single motherhood.  The reason I got up.  The person I crawled into bed with on all those long, lonely nights.  Your breath and warm skin soothed me more than you will ever know.  

I choose you baby.  I’m letting go of my fear of depending on someone financially and I’m jumping into a risky prospect because you won’t need any daycare or any summer care.  For the next nine years-I choose you.  I choose to spend time with you and love you and wake up with summers full of no obligation.  I may have to pull out all the stops someday and find another job or something, but for now, I’m going to take this one.  And choose…you.

Here’s what Merriam Webster has to say:

he·ro 

Pronunciation:

\ˈhir-(ˌ)ō\

Function:

noun

Inflected Form(s):

plural heroes

Etymology:

Latin heros, from Greek hērōs

Date:

14th century

So I have single mom radar.  When I ws ready to sell the house that I had with BsDaddy and kept for three years post-separation, I bought a house in the nearby “city”.  Then after a while, I found NewHusband and we eventually decided to move in together, and get married.  I got a realtor who was proven to be the best in the area, with a track record miles long and top sales awards to boot.  Well, she was a single mom!  We bonded over the transaction, and now I count her as a friend.  

Today, I had a meeting with a lawyer for the “fact-finding” court date, where child support is evaluated.  I’d like to get it all done automatically, as I had never done this (trying to be nice to the ex, always my downfall).  I’ve heard this lady plays hardball and I was tired of trying to defend myself when BsDaddy always gets an attorney and I never do.  We get chatting and lo and behold, she’s a formerly single mommy too!  Of 4!  Now happily married to a man she enjoys spending time with and her kids all turned out well, graduated college, all working towards second degrees.  She was an inspiration!  Even was apparently as strict (yet loving) as I am with B!  She’s excellent.  And although I walked in prepared to pay a retainer, she gave me the un-glossed over truth.  I didn’t need to bring a lawyer in to this fact finding meeting with the support magistrate.  She also told me who the magistrate was, the type of guy he was and exactly what I should do and say.  And then she said, if it starts to go south, just say you want an adjournment until your lawyer can be present.  But she really thought it wouldn’t.  So that’s good.  She said she could take my $1500 to do this, but I could definitely do a good job on my own.  So I’m going to try that first.  

When I came to work and mentioned how great it was to connect with these single moms, this co-worker who is the second wife of a man she has two kids with, and two stepkids that are his biological girls, said “it is it’s own culture isn’t it?”, in a semi-scathing way.  Yeah, my claws are out.  It’s a culture because of women like her who refuse to believe that we got here through anyone’s fault but our own.  I wasn’t a miserable wife, I wasn’t a nagging wife, I was honest and truthful, kept a clean house and even my ex will tell you I was an excellent wife.  He cheated through no fault of mine.  He’s just a liar and a cheat.  That’s something no one can change for him.  And I left because I want my daughter to be a powerful, independent thinker who does not rely on men (or anyone else) to make her happy or make her who she needs to be.  I would not have been true to myself, if I had stayed with a man I could not trust.  I want her to have conviction and to stand up for herself and what she believes in.  I believe in monogamy.  So I stood up.  And left.  If people have a problem with that, they can keep putting the blinders on to what their husbands are doing.  If that makes them happy, then so be it.  It didn’t work for me.  I know lots of marriages where the wives turn a blind eye to that behavior.  That wasn’t me.  And I’m not bitter or depressed or even angry.  I just knew I deserved better.  I deserved MORE.  So when I meet another single mom (or single dad) who feels the way I do and parents the way I do-well yes I do connect with them on a different level.  And if you want to refer to that as our “culture”-well so be it.

Besides just about anywhere with my girl-is on this lake. And rowing Sullivan off to the shore so he can do his business, getting this view on the way back: And especially when he wears the lifejacket he hates so much, yet looks so cute in (you can carry him like a purse!  It’s a riot!): Doesn’t he look mad at me? But do I ever miss this little girl…she’s on vacation with her Daddy.  She just called me at work…and all I do is cry the whole time she’s gone.  I seriously need to deal with this better.  How will I ever handle college? She’s my favorite person to be with and the most enjoyable person I know.  Yikes…maybe I should have married HER!  

I feel confused lately.  I try to teach my daughter that she’s perfect and beautiful just as she is.  Every day of her life, she has heard “You are a beautiful, amazing, creative girl, and your mommy loves you very much” (followed by three kisses and a huge hug and a sniff of her glorious scent and there you have B’s bedtime ritual-in a nutshell).  Yet, I took this beautiful child:

(at three years old)

(taking a photo of herself last Saturday-this is what happens when you let her take photos at a family event such as my Dad’s birthday)

About half an hour before going to the orthodontist on Monday.  Age 8.

And outside the orthodontists office, with palate expander and braces…headgear only for night.

My point is, every night, I have to turn the key on this thing:

(not hers, just a sample photo of the one similar to what she has)

…and I feel that I’m putting her through this pain and drama all so she can have “perfect” teeth.  Am I sending the girl mixed messages or what?  The orthodontist had me convinced that it was legitimate and would be better than doing it later in life.  And B actually wanted braces, so that was ok.  She likes the actual braces (and since the most common question is “what color did she get?”, I will answer that one now, she got pink, orange, dark purple and light purple).  The headgear is a pain at night, but she sleeps fine with it, so maybe it’s not as bad as I thought it would be.  And supposedly the headgear is only for about 6 months with the palate expander.  Braces are about a year for this first phase.  Later on she could need another phase, but it will be shorter than the traditional teenage years.  

I adore this child.  I wish I didn’t have to sit here at work and worry so much that she might be in pain.  But hey, last night she ate mac and cheese and a few small bites of pizza and a yogurt!!!  And not all that much got stuck in the expander!

She’s going on vacation with her Dad and family this weekend for a week about eleven hours away and I’m so sad.  I’ll miss my girl.  Every other weekend, both kids are at their other parents and we plan all the stuff we need to get out of the way for those times.  Her Dad told her last night that he could “let her stay with Mommy” on Friday night since she’d be gone.  Um, sure wish he’d asked me.  We had made appointments and plans for the whole weekend and how can I possibly say that to B?  She’ll always choose to be with me. The funny part is, he’s home that night.  And live in girlfriend will already be headed to the vacation house.  Hmmm, wonder why he wants to be “free” that night?  Could it be he’s still the same guy he was when  our marriage fell apart?  The zebra can’t change his stripes and all that. The sad part?  B was so excited to possibly get to spend the night alone with him.  She wanted him to lay with her while she fell asleep and talk.  :(  Jerk.  My husband said, “she can come with us.  We’ll drop her off at the marina before we head to VT.”  And he’s right.  And I’m grateful he loves being around her as much as I do.  But it still makes me sad.  For my girl especially…we’ll see how it plays out.

This picture was taken at the Hard Rock Cafe in Kona Hawaii, not too far from the beach we were married on this January.  She’s only eight, but it is in pictures like these, that I see her teen self starting to emerge.  

How I hope she keeps those bright, engaging eyes and her confident, self-assured personality!  I hope she loses a little bit of that eagerness to please everyone, that I see in her now and then.  Voice your opinion, I tell her.  Stand up to people for what you believe!  Even to me.  And she does…a little more each day…but it’s a work in progress.  I hope she keeps this beautiful smell and her spattering of freckles across her nose.  I hope she knows how amazing she is.  Every day of her life, I tuck her to bed with “You are a beautiful, amazing, creative girl and your Mommy loves you so very much!”.  If I stall on saying it, she says, “You can’t go yet…you haven’t said it”.  When I once went on a vacation without her, I recorded my voice saying it to her on this little Christmas ornament that records a message, so my wonderful mother could play it for her every night.  My mom accidentally recorded blank airtime over it and had to re-record it in her own voice and screwed up the order of what to say…but my little princess never hurt her Nana by pointing that out.  But she knew.  We often talk of how funny it is that I wanted a boy!  I so didn’t want to share her Daddy, that I wanted a boy, so I’d always be his only girl.  When we found out at her sonogram that she was a SHE…I was at a loss.  Obviously, I adapted.  :)  She thinks its hilarious.  And I can’t imagine who I’d be if I hadn’t had HER.  She redefined my whole concept of femininity and how incredulous being a girl is.  My new husband says, “You just wait.  My son is hard now, but B will give you a hard time in a few years…you won’t be so close”.  I beg to differ.  When I mentioned that to B, she said “He doesn’t know a thing, does he?  I’ll always cuddle you, even when you come see me at college”.  I sincerely think she will.  I’ve seen other moms of 14 year olds who tell me they still have a bond like that with their girls.  My dental hygenist told me last week, that her 14 year old is an old soul who still loves her mother just the same and still is very, very bonded.  I know we’ll have rough patches, who doesn’t?  But I think that 5 years spent alone with her and my close attention to her and respecting her…well, I just think we’ll work through it all just fine.  If my own mother (who I’m very close to now) had just been more open with me, and more approachable, well, I would have told her more.  I strive to be strict, but not unreasonable.  I can even be negotiated with and I’ve been known to tell her, yeah, she’s right…I’m sorry.  She helps me think of appropriate punishments, and trust me, she is pretty hard on herself!  My punishments are sometimes easier!

Hey wait, I don’t get to go with her when she goes to college?  WHAT?

I love you B.  And I wish you weren’t at school and I wasn’t at work, and we were out on our bikes, tearing up a mountain trail.  You go girl.