Happy Mother’s Day Mom.

I’ve spent my entire 35 years trying to please my very intense, Marine father.  However, I have not once felt the need to “try” to make my mother proud.  She just always is proud of me and has always made me feel very secure in her love.

I call her every day, with no particular topic or question at hand-just because I enjoy hearing her voice.  We are very different people.  My daughter is much more like her than I was, am, or ever can aspire to be.  They are both people-pleasers, always concerned about others, always trying to make people happy.  They have a genuine empathy that is instilled in their hearts and could not be faked.  They can both be very affected by things people say or do, albeit unintentional or just an offhand comment.  I am much more nonchalant and things roll off my back much more quickly and I am definitely not all sweetness and goodness as those two are.

My mother has set the bar so high for parenting it is almost impossible to attain.  She worked full time my entire childhood, cooked meals every single day, packed lunches, did all the laundry, sewed, quilted, gardened, painted and built…she is more Martha Stewart than Martha Stewart.  To this day, I ask her to hem pants or fix a pillow or any other chore that to her is routine, but to me a major undertaking.  Just recently, she revamped a too-large tablecloth into the right size, making the excess material into matching napkins and pillows for my sun porch.  Over the past 15 years she has taken care of her two elderly parents, her aging mother-in-law and helped all of them to die with dignity.  She has watched her children have children and has become the role model my daughter so desperately emulates.  She is the “fun” Nana who takes B hiking and playing outside and yes, shopping too!  She is a fitness fanatic and has instilled that love of the outdoors and exercise in both me and my daughter.

We are so different I sometimes have trouble understanding her reasons and her upsets.  When she is stressed out, I have a hard time being compassionate, as that’s not something I “get”.  I often say that I won’t allow stress in my life…I feel it is a choice and drama that I don’t have time to allow in.  She doesn’t understand the bittersweet feelings of remarriage and divorce and single parenting.  She’s been with the same man since she was 19.  (She conceived ME on her wedding night)!

Yet, sometimes, she still surprises me with a bout of open-mindedness.  Recently I told her the Twilight books were incredibly good and since I don’t usually love fiction and especially not popular fiction, she listened.  She’s now on the third book and surprisingly completely addicted!  My daughter and I adore movie nights at her house, where we snuggle up and eat junk food.

She is passionate and strong and hopelessly in love with my father.  She’s curious and loyal and always there.  Getting angry with her can upset me like nothing else can.  She’s ridiculously wrapped around my 9 year-olds finger and it both makes me envious and warm inside, all at the same time.  I can’t begin to imagine a day when she is not there.  I’m not sure I would be able to go on, without her in this world.  It gives me hope that my daughter too, might feel I am necessary, needed…long after she actually needs my physical presence every day.

Thank you Mom…I love you.  You have done the most exceptional job of mothering I have ever seen.  Thank you for giving me everything and then some.  For traveling to stores far away so I could have those Guess jeans back in 10th grade.  For allowing me all the sports and clubs and activites that kept you running for all my teenage years.  For hunting down a Cabbage Patch kid when I was crying each night because I wanted one so badly. For making every Christmas, Easter and even St. Patrick’s Day magical.  For gifting me with the most idyllic childhood imaginable.  For lying in bed with me, spooning behind me and holding me as I cried myself to sleep, the night my first husband left our home and I drove to your house, 7 months pregnant.  For supporting me as I stubbornly held onto my home for three years after leaving my husband.  For helping me when I bought a house in a more convenient location.  For being so happy when I remarried and built a new family.  For….just being.  I love you more than you can ever know.  And I appreciate it.  Every last thing…every day of the last 35 years, and 4 months.  There is no other you.  How lucky am I?

Happy 35th Mother’s Day Mom.

Our neighborhood is fabulous for a growing 9 year old girl!  We stayed home for spring break, since we usually travel during February break, when it’s just dreadful here in NY.  Spring break is sunny and smells good and fun for bike riding and rollerblading and yes…trampolining!  I love that we have little girls B’s age next door, but I hardly see her anymore!  It shows me what its going to be like as she gets older and has this “life of her own”.  I know its the point of parenting to raise independent children who make the right choices on their own, but does anyone else feel a bit sad too?  I don’t feel quite as needed.  I think B feels it too…she pops her head in periodically and yells, “Mom???  I LOVE you!”.  Here we go-the beginning of her taking care of me.

So I woke up this morning and guess what?  You grew up.  Overnight.  You still snuggle me and give me kisses, but they are the kisses of an older child, who does it more to placate the parent, than for their own comfort.  I go into your room at night and smell your breath, still childlike and sweet and look at the length of you tangled up in the Hello Kitty sheets you still adore.  (Just last weekend, before leaving for your Dad’s, you said, “So Mom, if you wash my sheets, can you just put the same ones back on?  They don’t NEED to be washed, but if you do, can you just make sure you put them back on before I get home?  The same ones?  Ok?  Mom…the Hello Kitty ones you know?”.  Got it princess…got it).

I love how mature you have become and how enjoyable you are.  The things you require from me are no longer any sort of obligation or work, but fun!  We have such a great time together.  I drag you everywhere I have to go, because I so love your company!  Not all your friends are like this-their parents don’t love all their moments with them, but I cherish them.  I know you are the only baby I’ll ever have…and the days are just running right out of your childhood.

You are 9.  When I was 9, I was in 4th grade and had my first boyfriend.  We are still friends to this day.  I cared about what people thought.  I started to develop my own interests and opinions.  I know where you are at and I love how you are growing up.  But how I wish you would stay who you are now.  The girl who still loves when we go to Nana and Poppa’s and we get to sleep in the same bed and wake up together.  I dread the day that our relationship becomes “grown-up”.  Who will keep me young then?

Disciplining you, when I have to do it, albeit rarely, is tough.  I don’t like to see you sad, but I want you to be a good person.  So I do it.  And then I run in and hug you when you are sleeping and whisper in your ear, “I love you.  You are my favorite person EVER.  You are amazing and I adore you”.  then I sneak out, only to check on you several other times in the night (and tuck in that leg that inevitably pops out of the covers two seconds after I leave the room).  But it makes me tear up a little…to know you aren’t a baby anymore.  And you never will be again.  I blinked and it was gone. I won’t have a baby again.  Ok, now I might cry in studyhall…the students would love that right?

You now are a whole shoe size larger than me.  Shopping in stores that teenagers shop in.  Doing your homework because you CARE, not because I force you.  Talking about your dream jobs and what college will be like someday.  College???  Seriously?  Sweetie, make sure it’s someplace warm, because I know I’m going to have to be close by.

Have any of you seen this movie?  Especially any of you with daughters?  My nine year old daughter has liked this movie for a few years now.  It stars Emma Roberts (Julia Robert’s niece, who plays Addy on Nickolodeon’s Unfabulous) and JoJo (teen pop star) as two young girls whose strengths combine to make each one’s individual weaknesses more bearable.  They stumble upon a young mermaid and give her advice on how to win the affections of a lifeguard that all three admire.  Aquamarine has to find true love in the next few days, or her father will make her remain a mermaid, although she so desperately wants to be human.  The ensuing drama is oddly reminiscent of “Mean Girls”, with a bit of “The Little Mermaid”.  

But the ending, well this is one that you mamas are going to LOVE.  I won’t spoil it for you, but let’s just say, it’s not your typical Disney-fied movie where you don’t find happiness unless you get the prince.

And one of the lead characters has a strong, powerful single mom, struggling with her willful teenage daughter.  Granted, the other character lost both of her parents previously, but is being raised by BOTH grandparents.  Read this post for a great discussion of how mothers are underrepresented in Disney movies.  

Mamas, watch this with your girls.  It sends the right message.  The one we all talk about all the time.  And definitely a message about how much your friends can mean to you.  (Your virtual support groups too.  ;)  ).

Though I suppose you aren’t so “little” anymore, we still continue to call you that.  

You have made my life exactly what it’s supposed to be.  

You are the kindest, most empathetic, compassionate person I’ve ever met.  You have more spunk in your one braid than most of us do in our entire body (could it be from watching Bring It On-All Or Nothing so many times?;)). 

I’m sorry it’s raining today.  I know you wanted a boating birthday, but we’ll do that another day.  I guess maybe it’s God crying happy too.  I know yesterday and today, I’ve been emotional.  Last night, when I “kissed eight goodbye” and you laughed at me, I was serious when I said you are halfway to college.  Unlike lots of people, it hasn’t flown by-it’s been AMAZING.  I’ve never had so much fun in my life and I’ve certainly never loved so much.  And “kissing nine” this morning, well that was pretty special.  I’m sure I’ll be a bigger wreck next year when you hit the double digits.  

It’s been you and me for so long, and this past year, when we moved in with the boys and got married, well it’s been a much harder adjustment for your mommy than for you.  I’ve never really been good at sharing you.  That’s why I didn’t give birth to you until the day they were scheduled to induce you to come out.  I like you being mine all mine.  I know that’s selfish, but I just enjoy so much about you.  That attitude is amazing.  Where did that come from?  You have so much of your Daddy too.  His creative side, the musical side, the laid back demeanor-that’s him.  The hyper, perky, childlike fun side…ha, ha, that’s your momma.  Silly faces and endless giggling to the point where we can’t breathe…oh yeah, momma again.   There are some days I miss our alone life so very much.  We still spend lots of alone time, but it’s very different.  You love being a “family”.  You love being surrounded by more people than I do.  B, you are going to do really great things.  Yes, even greater than showing your mommy what real love is.  

I of course, got you tons of presents.  But when I went to work yesterday, I played Tim McGraw’s song “My Little Girl” (the one we did a video of you with for your Daddy’s birthday this year), and I realized one thing.  This whole job decision has been so hard because of a comfort zone issue.  But I have the option now to choose the most important thing-time with you.  Thank you for being the one steady constant in the five years of single motherhood.  The reason I got up.  The person I crawled into bed with on all those long, lonely nights.  Your breath and warm skin soothed me more than you will ever know.  

I choose you baby.  I’m letting go of my fear of depending on someone financially and I’m jumping into a risky prospect because you won’t need any daycare or any summer care.  For the next nine years-I choose you.  I choose to spend time with you and love you and wake up with summers full of no obligation.  I may have to pull out all the stops someday and find another job or something, but for now, I’m going to take this one.  And choose…you.

So  in keeping with some of my fellow bloggers like Liz, who are contemplating other jobs and career moves, I have another job I’m mulling over too.  Some of you know that I am a research scientist and have been for over 11 years now.  At the same place!  It’s like my second family.  However, I did work at a pharmaceutical company right after college, and really didn’t like it.  I stayed there six months and then was offered a positon with my current employer.  We’ve been through buying several houses together, a divorce, numerous serious relationships.  My daughters entire existence I’ve been with this people.  And it’s a stellar job.  Downside?  It’s one hour from my home.  Two hours of commuting daily.  And my daughter is an hour away from me during the day.  Her dad is in town though for his job, which is why it works ok for us.  

I have a job coming up teaching in a Catholic school-chemistry and physics.  I went to grad school for a Masters in Education.  The only part of that degree I haven’t finished is the student teaching.  And I won’t, because I’d have to quit my job while I did it.  And that’s just not reasonable to me.  However if I take this job, I’ll have a big cut in pay, but it will count as my student teaching and we can push my certification through (NY State is a toughie when it comes to teaching requirements, for those of you who aren’t aware).  So, great job, summers and school vacations off, shorter workday, no commute.  Drastically lower pay.  

Everyone says take it.  Our business is doing well and the money isn’t really the issue.  However, I have my single mom mentality permanently ingrained.  What if this marriage doesn’t work out?  What if it’s just me and B again?  I can’t support her as I have in the past, with this type of pay cut.  

Oh and the kicker-my precious Gram Julia, while in the hospital shortly before dying, said to me (when I contemplated skipping one of my grad school classes to hang with her) “you go be a teacher”.  And in a Catholic school…oh Gram would LOVE that.

So why am I so afraid to do this???  I’m afraid to depend on my husband.  He says I do way more than my share here and take the job that will make me happiest.  But what job IS that?

Did any of you read “The Uneven Playing Field” in the NY Times Magazine?

I thought a lot about this article, and the subsequent interview on NPR, and whether or not my daughter was playing too much soccer already, at eight years old.  B loves soccer.  I coached her teams the first couple of years and loved it, but she really didn’t pay much attention to me.  (Ok, she WAS three when she started, but she really ran around in circles and picked dandelions behind the goal).  Now, she’s 8, on a premier, elite girls team and had a 4 game tournament this weekend, about two hours from home, in a 157 team event.  She enjoys it more than ever this year, does twice weekly practices and attends one or two yearly soccer day camps.  All events which she requests and enjoys participating in.  Her team is now on hiatus for a little bit, post tourney, until she starts again in the fall, indoors, with the same team.  

After her first game at the tournament-90 degree heat and only two subs, not withstanding.

This article, written by Michael Sokolove author of the book Warrior Girls, was a huge eye-opener for me. It offers evidence of the harm that is being caused to young girls bodies, by the continual practice/play of one sport, year-round.  Granted, my girl isn’t non-stop on that one sport all year, but it’s pretty intense.  So I’m going to start more actively “cross-training” with her.  Make sure we get our bike rides and roller blades and swims in, shoot some hoops and play some volleyball.  Work out those muscle groups that she doesn’t use as much in soccer, and give her “soccer muscles” some rest.  She loves doing all these things, I’ll just be a little more aware that she’s not so soccer driven.  And she’s not going to play on the city league that starts in a couple weeks, during her time off from her team.

From “The Uneven Playing Field”:

Anson Dorrance, the women’s soccer coach at the University of North Carolina, is a fierce critic of the tournament system, which he says began when the women’s game was young and good teams had to travel to find strong competition. “But now,” he told me, “everybody’s got a tournament. There’s the Raleigh Shootout, the Surf Cup in Southern California, and ding, ding, ding, they’re everywhere.” Dorrance was animated, his words coming out in a rush. “So now girls are going somewhere every two or three months and playing these inordinate number of matches. And you know what? They’re playing to survive. And the survival is not just the five games in three days. It’s the two or three weeks following. They’ve got a niggling this and niggling that — sprained ankles, swollen knees, aching backs. They were overplayed and they never rested. But part of what’s developing is this question of who’s tough enough, who can play through it?”

So what’s the answer?  The article points out that building up supporting muscles and proper conditioning and injury prevention training would be a huge help-but not many coaches are willing to “waste” valuable time on these concepts-refusing to take away time from other skills, such as shooting, learning plays, and running.  It is up to the parents to be sure that these things are done, but where is this time going to come from, when the kids are already at practice?  This part of sporting should be included in the actual sporting practices themselves.  During their off-field times, these kids need to be just that…kids.

Please moms of daughters (who tend to be more prone to these types of injuries because of our differing musculature), read these two articles and let’s brainstorm.  I want my girl to get to enjoy her soccer for years to come.  Without injury.

Who has a Blackberry?  Lots of my friends don’t…so I want more people on my Blackberry Messenger.  Drop me a message and we’ll swap PINS.  :)

By the way, I love my Blackberry.  I can’t imagine where I’d be without it.  And if you are one of those Mac people who has trouble syncing with PocketMac…let me know…I think I possibly had all the problems one could have and now am fully operational.  :)  B wants the pink BB Curve, but I talked her into a pay-as-you-go…which makes much more sense for her age.  Kajeet has this great phone which I am able to fully monitor and it also has a GPS.  And yeah, it’s pink.  And single moms, it’s great so your child can reach you when they are with the non-custodial parent.  And the GPS well, that speaks volumes.  You know where your kid is.  Not to mention, you know and can regulate who they  text or call and when they are allowed to.  You can completely block out times they can’t use the phone and put numbers (like yours) that are always allowed…even during block out times.  

I said I wouldn’t let her have a phone…but this was perfect…and the munchkin saved up her money from last years birthday!!!  The other half was paid for by mommy for her great report card.  

How do you feel about cell phones?  As opposed as I was?  Why?  Share your reasons.  Mine were all pretty basic, but I love that this phone allows me to have control via Internet access.  And it’s working out well.  She’s not on it all that much.  This little gadget has all the features of a grown up phone, including a camera.  She likes to text her Daddy and call him on her own phone. Instead of buying minutes, you buy blocks of money on a card or online, such as $35 of airtime.  At  10 cents a minute, it’s pretty affordable and they do have packages.  The GPS will be great if she loses her phone too-as she may be bound to do at such a young age.

Here’s what Merriam Webster has to say:

he·ro 

Pronunciation:

\ˈhir-(ˌ)ō\

Function:

noun

Inflected Form(s):

plural heroes

Etymology:

Latin heros, from Greek hērōs

Date:

14th century

So I have single mom radar.  When I ws ready to sell the house that I had with BsDaddy and kept for three years post-separation, I bought a house in the nearby “city”.  Then after a while, I found NewHusband and we eventually decided to move in together, and get married.  I got a realtor who was proven to be the best in the area, with a track record miles long and top sales awards to boot.  Well, she was a single mom!  We bonded over the transaction, and now I count her as a friend.  

Today, I had a meeting with a lawyer for the “fact-finding” court date, where child support is evaluated.  I’d like to get it all done automatically, as I had never done this (trying to be nice to the ex, always my downfall).  I’ve heard this lady plays hardball and I was tired of trying to defend myself when BsDaddy always gets an attorney and I never do.  We get chatting and lo and behold, she’s a formerly single mommy too!  Of 4!  Now happily married to a man she enjoys spending time with and her kids all turned out well, graduated college, all working towards second degrees.  She was an inspiration!  Even was apparently as strict (yet loving) as I am with B!  She’s excellent.  And although I walked in prepared to pay a retainer, she gave me the un-glossed over truth.  I didn’t need to bring a lawyer in to this fact finding meeting with the support magistrate.  She also told me who the magistrate was, the type of guy he was and exactly what I should do and say.  And then she said, if it starts to go south, just say you want an adjournment until your lawyer can be present.  But she really thought it wouldn’t.  So that’s good.  She said she could take my $1500 to do this, but I could definitely do a good job on my own.  So I’m going to try that first.  

When I came to work and mentioned how great it was to connect with these single moms, this co-worker who is the second wife of a man she has two kids with, and two stepkids that are his biological girls, said “it is it’s own culture isn’t it?”, in a semi-scathing way.  Yeah, my claws are out.  It’s a culture because of women like her who refuse to believe that we got here through anyone’s fault but our own.  I wasn’t a miserable wife, I wasn’t a nagging wife, I was honest and truthful, kept a clean house and even my ex will tell you I was an excellent wife.  He cheated through no fault of mine.  He’s just a liar and a cheat.  That’s something no one can change for him.  And I left because I want my daughter to be a powerful, independent thinker who does not rely on men (or anyone else) to make her happy or make her who she needs to be.  I would not have been true to myself, if I had stayed with a man I could not trust.  I want her to have conviction and to stand up for herself and what she believes in.  I believe in monogamy.  So I stood up.  And left.  If people have a problem with that, they can keep putting the blinders on to what their husbands are doing.  If that makes them happy, then so be it.  It didn’t work for me.  I know lots of marriages where the wives turn a blind eye to that behavior.  That wasn’t me.  And I’m not bitter or depressed or even angry.  I just knew I deserved better.  I deserved MORE.  So when I meet another single mom (or single dad) who feels the way I do and parents the way I do-well yes I do connect with them on a different level.  And if you want to refer to that as our “culture”-well so be it.