Another single mama!

So I have single mom radar.  When I ws ready to sell the house that I had with BsDaddy and kept for three years post-separation, I bought a house in the nearby “city”.  Then after a while, I found NewHusband and we eventually decided to move in together, and get married.  I got a realtor who was proven to be the best in the area, with a track record miles long and top sales awards to boot.  Well, she was a single mom!  We bonded over the transaction, and now I count her as a friend.  

Today, I had a meeting with a lawyer for the “fact-finding” court date, where child support is evaluated.  I’d like to get it all done automatically, as I had never done this (trying to be nice to the ex, always my downfall).  I’ve heard this lady plays hardball and I was tired of trying to defend myself when BsDaddy always gets an attorney and I never do.  We get chatting and lo and behold, she’s a formerly single mommy too!  Of 4!  Now happily married to a man she enjoys spending time with and her kids all turned out well, graduated college, all working towards second degrees.  She was an inspiration!  Even was apparently as strict (yet loving) as I am with B!  She’s excellent.  And although I walked in prepared to pay a retainer, she gave me the un-glossed over truth.  I didn’t need to bring a lawyer in to this fact finding meeting with the support magistrate.  She also told me who the magistrate was, the type of guy he was and exactly what I should do and say.  And then she said, if it starts to go south, just say you want an adjournment until your lawyer can be present.  But she really thought it wouldn’t.  So that’s good.  She said she could take my $1500 to do this, but I could definitely do a good job on my own.  So I’m going to try that first.  

When I came to work and mentioned how great it was to connect with these single moms, this co-worker who is the second wife of a man she has two kids with, and two stepkids that are his biological girls, said “it is it’s own culture isn’t it?”, in a semi-scathing way.  Yeah, my claws are out.  It’s a culture because of women like her who refuse to believe that we got here through anyone’s fault but our own.  I wasn’t a miserable wife, I wasn’t a nagging wife, I was honest and truthful, kept a clean house and even my ex will tell you I was an excellent wife.  He cheated through no fault of mine.  He’s just a liar and a cheat.  That’s something no one can change for him.  And I left because I want my daughter to be a powerful, independent thinker who does not rely on men (or anyone else) to make her happy or make her who she needs to be.  I would not have been true to myself, if I had stayed with a man I could not trust.  I want her to have conviction and to stand up for herself and what she believes in.  I believe in monogamy.  So I stood up.  And left.  If people have a problem with that, they can keep putting the blinders on to what their husbands are doing.  If that makes them happy, then so be it.  It didn’t work for me.  I know lots of marriages where the wives turn a blind eye to that behavior.  That wasn’t me.  And I’m not bitter or depressed or even angry.  I just knew I deserved better.  I deserved MORE.  So when I meet another single mom (or single dad) who feels the way I do and parents the way I do-well yes I do connect with them on a different level.  And if you want to refer to that as our “culture”-well so be it.


4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Liz
    Jun 10, 2008 @ 15:24:58

    I LOVE our little sub-culture. NO ONE gets me like other women who either are or have been single moms. NO ONE.

    I’d be lost without my single mom buddies!!!


  2. Jolene
    Jun 10, 2008 @ 15:51:32

    Boy that was a snarky comment from your co-worker. Glad that you found a honest attorney who isn’t out for the almighty dollar for once. My boss would have took your money and then some.


  3. littlemansmom
    Jun 10, 2008 @ 20:36:12

    We are certainly a special breed of people…there’s no other kind like us…and I love it! LOL


  4. Kelly
    Jun 11, 2008 @ 20:05:12

    I think it’s just the level of respect I have for other single moms who are doing the single mom marathon day in, day out! Although I’m remarried now, one of my best friends is in the trenches as a single mom of three and I love helping her any and every way I can. Truly, it is a GIFT to me when I help her and her children.(mostly getting her kids to their activities while she works her evening nursing shifts and helping with the occassional meal) Other people just don’t get it.

    I was criticized for not taking back my ex after he cheated on me for 6 months with an 18 year old. (he was 40) He came crawling back after she dumped him for a guy her age. People told me I was crazy for waving goodbye to his $90,000 +/year salary, second home on the lake with cabin cruiser boat, etc. My integrity was worth much more than that. I was an excellent wife and mother and I had every reason to hold my head high. I was not defined by his salary or the material things we owned. More than the affair itself, it was his ignoring our children during that 6 months he lived with her that determined I would not take him back. He saw them once during that time and otherwise never called to check on the welfare of their broken hearts. Though unbearable at times, I survived, my children survived and then THRIVED while I was solo at the healm, and I was not looking back for someone who had turned his back on his family for a teenage piece of ass…… excuse my language.

    Whether you’ve been there or are currently there, there is just a bond between hard working single parents that others don’t understand. Even some of my other dear friends, married and never divorced, will admit that they don’t have a clue. ya, I’d say we’re our own culture….. and proud of it!

    Great post!


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