August 17th.

This is the day that I married B’s Daddy.  Way back in 1996.  I don’t think I regret that.  Not exactly.  Except that I could have gotten this amazing little girl through a one night stand with him and spared myself all these years of rebuilding, healing and then regressing, only to rebuild again.  Permanent healing?  Does that exist?  I’m guessing not.  It would have been our 12 year anniversary.  And it’s…not.  Every year this day is remotely painful, no matter how fabulous my life is at that moment.  It still feels like exactly what it is-a failure.  

I’m not always as positive as some of you think…lately I’ve been a little more down and actually missing having my own home and my single mama days.  I like being alone a little more than I am, and not having anyone to “answer” to.  The new marriage still feels so, well, “new”.  Even though it’s to someone I’ve known for a long time.  I’ve never lived with anyone other than my ex-husband and that, well, it’s that part that takes getting used to.  It’s not just a new husband, it’s a stepson too.  Am I really cut out for this?  Stepson comes home today, until next Sunday, then he’ll go to his non-custodial mom again for a week.  It’s been very quiet this summer, with him visiting his mom so frequently.  Wondering how we’ll get used to it all again once school begins.  He’s a much, much different type of person than the rest of us.

Time to get moving and get some planning done for the new school year.  I’m hitting paranoia about the new job and the first day of school in front of a pile of high school kids, trying to teach them some subjects they don’t really want to partake in (Chemistry/Physics).  Thanks for listening.


6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jolene
    Aug 18, 2008 @ 11:40:53

    My brother still says, “I would have been married such and such amount of years today.” on his anniversary date. He’s been divorced for 15 years and is currently with his long-time girlfriend. You’re not alone.

    I don’t know what I would do if I ever got the chance to live alone again. It would be so hard to get into another “live together” relationship. I hate having to “answer to” my husband and he hates the same thing in return. I can imagine it’s tough considering you’re pretty independent.

    The whole stepchild thing probably would have been a deal-breaker for me. Don’t think I could handle all the baggage.

    Good luck with the new school year. It’s approaching fast. Just try to make it fun for them. I learned the most from the teachers who made class fun. Like having jeopardy and challenges where you could win 10 extra points on the next test. I’m sure you will do great. You have youth on your side. 90% of my teachers were old fogeys who couldn’t care less.


  2. Liz
    Aug 18, 2008 @ 12:19:41

    First of all, you are going to do a great job when the school year starts!!!

    It always takes time to get used to something new – whether the change is good (marriage) or difficult (divorce). Allow yourself and him the time to work through the kinks. I enjoy my time alone, too, and can understand that it is tough. But there are times when I’d give anything to have someone there to just hold me when I needed it.

    And just based on what I’ve read here alone, you’re doing a great job with your stepson. Of course it’s hard! I think about the future and if I ever get seriously involved with/married to someone with children and becoming a step mom…All I know is that I will do my best to treat a stepchild exactly as I would want my children treated by a stepdad.


  3. jenn3
    Aug 18, 2008 @ 14:32:36

    I can only imagine how tough it is at times. I’ve been raising my daughter alone since she was born, and it would be extremely hard to have someone to answer to and share in the decision making. Very very hard. I don’t know if I could do it. And yet, when I’m feeling lonely, I wish there was someone. I guess the adjustment just takes time.


  4. pisceshanna
    Aug 18, 2008 @ 18:03:00

    Hey there lady, this post is so great. I guess our failed relationships are on everyone’s mind right now. I passed a “major award” on to you too 🙂 btw


  5. Laura at Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman
    Aug 18, 2008 @ 23:18:00

    Next week I will have been divorced for one year, and the marriage would have been 23 years later in the week. And you know, I am so focused on the divorce date, I totally forgot about the anniversary until I read your post.

    Old Fogeys who don’t care? At 47, I am heading into my fourth year of teaching high school English, and I have not met many old fogeys who don’t care. I’m impressed how much the teachers do care. If it’s any consolation, next year the kids won’t know the mistakes you made this year. You just keep getting better.


  6. dadshouse
    Aug 19, 2008 @ 13:26:22

    I’ve been divorced 8 years and I still give a nod on my wedding anniversary date. I don’t necessarily feel I failed, but I do often wonder if things couldn’t have turned out differently. It would be great to see my kids every day, for instance. But – I try to focus on all the positive change and be happy and grateful for good things in my life. I keep saying I want to live with a woman again, but I enjoy my alone time, so until Ms. Right comes along I’m okay as is.


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