So I have single mom radar. When I ws ready to sell the house that I had with BsDaddy and kept for three years post-separation, I bought a house in the nearby “city”. Then after a while, I found NewHusband and we eventually decided to move in together, and get married. I got a realtor who was proven to be the best in the area, with a track record miles long and top sales awards to boot. Well, she was a single mom! We bonded over the transaction, and now I count her as a friend.
Today, I had a meeting with a lawyer for the “fact-finding” court date, where child support is evaluated. I’d like to get it all done automatically, as I had never done this (trying to be nice to the ex, always my downfall). I’ve heard this lady plays hardball and I was tired of trying to defend myself when BsDaddy always gets an attorney and I never do. We get chatting and lo and behold, she’s a formerly single mommy too! Of 4! Now happily married to a man she enjoys spending time with and her kids all turned out well, graduated college, all working towards second degrees. She was an inspiration! Even was apparently as strict (yet loving) as I am with B! She’s excellent. And although I walked in prepared to pay a retainer, she gave me the un-glossed over truth. I didn’t need to bring a lawyer in to this fact finding meeting with the support magistrate. She also told me who the magistrate was, the type of guy he was and exactly what I should do and say. And then she said, if it starts to go south, just say you want an adjournment until your lawyer can be present. But she really thought it wouldn’t. So that’s good. She said she could take my $1500 to do this, but I could definitely do a good job on my own. So I’m going to try that first.
When I came to work and mentioned how great it was to connect with these single moms, this co-worker who is the second wife of a man she has two kids with, and two stepkids that are his biological girls, said “it is it’s own culture isn’t it?”, in a semi-scathing way. Yeah, my claws are out. It’s a culture because of women like her who refuse to believe that we got here through anyone’s fault but our own. I wasn’t a miserable wife, I wasn’t a nagging wife, I was honest and truthful, kept a clean house and even my ex will tell you I was an excellent wife. He cheated through no fault of mine. He’s just a liar and a cheat. That’s something no one can change for him. And I left because I want my daughter to be a powerful, independent thinker who does not rely on men (or anyone else) to make her happy or make her who she needs to be. I would not have been true to myself, if I had stayed with a man I could not trust. I want her to have conviction and to stand up for herself and what she believes in. I believe in monogamy. So I stood up. And left. If people have a problem with that, they can keep putting the blinders on to what their husbands are doing. If that makes them happy, then so be it. It didn’t work for me. I know lots of marriages where the wives turn a blind eye to that behavior. That wasn’t me. And I’m not bitter or depressed or even angry. I just knew I deserved better. I deserved MORE. So when I meet another single mom (or single dad) who feels the way I do and parents the way I do-well yes I do connect with them on a different level. And if you want to refer to that as our “culture”-well so be it.