Mommy’s gonna rock out!

So tonight, I get to go see Sully Erna acoustic LIVE in VT!  Godsmack has always been one of my favorite harder rock bands and I haven’t seen them in a few years.  This is even better-acoustic.  Clink on the link in the beginning of this post to see what Sully describes this tour as.  During our time apart, my husband listened to Godsmack (it reminded him of me when he was in a pretty miserable rebound relationship), so luckily he was all about going to this show, not too far from our home.  I’m super excited.  I love when our musical tastes match up.  We both love U2, The Killers and Green Day.  Now Godsmack is on that list…I’m slowly bringing him around.  😉  He’s nearly ten years older, so it takes some time.  And this should distract me while I wait for MY BABY GIRL TO COME HOME TOMORROW!  I can’t wait.  I miss her little mug so much!

Faceless-Godsmack

Hate me with everything
I’m better off without your animosity
I’ll even sleep better at night…at night
I won’t believe in you
Reminded me of everything you put me through
Now everything feels alright…alright

I feel so betrayed…mistaken
I create another day
You’ll be gone tomorrow
Lie to me.. you’re faceless

You’ve made me out to be
Responsible for your self-inflicted misery
And never felt like this before…before
Don’t be surprised to see
That I have nothing left for you to bleed
When you come crawling back for more…for more

I feel so betrayed…mistaken
I create another day
You’ll be gone tomorrow
Lie to me…you’re faceless

I create another day
You’ll be gone tomorrow
Lie to me…you’re faceless

I create another day
You’ll be gone tomorrow
Lie to me…you’re faceless

I create another day
You’ll be gone tomorrow
Lie to me…you’re faceless

What message am I sending?

I feel confused lately.  I try to teach my daughter that she’s perfect and beautiful just as she is.  Every day of her life, she has heard “You are a beautiful, amazing, creative girl, and your mommy loves you very much” (followed by three kisses and a huge hug and a sniff of her glorious scent and there you have B’s bedtime ritual-in a nutshell).  Yet, I took this beautiful child:

(at three years old)

(taking a photo of herself last Saturday-this is what happens when you let her take photos at a family event such as my Dad’s birthday)

About half an hour before going to the orthodontist on Monday.  Age 8.

And outside the orthodontists office, with palate expander and braces…headgear only for night.

My point is, every night, I have to turn the key on this thing:

(not hers, just a sample photo of the one similar to what she has)

…and I feel that I’m putting her through this pain and drama all so she can have “perfect” teeth.  Am I sending the girl mixed messages or what?  The orthodontist had me convinced that it was legitimate and would be better than doing it later in life.  And B actually wanted braces, so that was ok.  She likes the actual braces (and since the most common question is “what color did she get?”, I will answer that one now, she got pink, orange, dark purple and light purple).  The headgear is a pain at night, but she sleeps fine with it, so maybe it’s not as bad as I thought it would be.  And supposedly the headgear is only for about 6 months with the palate expander.  Braces are about a year for this first phase.  Later on she could need another phase, but it will be shorter than the traditional teenage years.  

I adore this child.  I wish I didn’t have to sit here at work and worry so much that she might be in pain.  But hey, last night she ate mac and cheese and a few small bites of pizza and a yogurt!!!  And not all that much got stuck in the expander!

She’s going on vacation with her Dad and family this weekend for a week about eleven hours away and I’m so sad.  I’ll miss my girl.  Every other weekend, both kids are at their other parents and we plan all the stuff we need to get out of the way for those times.  Her Dad told her last night that he could “let her stay with Mommy” on Friday night since she’d be gone.  Um, sure wish he’d asked me.  We had made appointments and plans for the whole weekend and how can I possibly say that to B?  She’ll always choose to be with me. The funny part is, he’s home that night.  And live in girlfriend will already be headed to the vacation house.  Hmmm, wonder why he wants to be “free” that night?  Could it be he’s still the same guy he was when  our marriage fell apart?  The zebra can’t change his stripes and all that. The sad part?  B was so excited to possibly get to spend the night alone with him.  She wanted him to lay with her while she fell asleep and talk.  😦  Jerk.  My husband said, “she can come with us.  We’ll drop her off at the marina before we head to VT.”  And he’s right.  And I’m grateful he loves being around her as much as I do.  But it still makes me sad.  For my girl especially…we’ll see how it plays out.

Our youngest.

This is our youngest.  We became the proud parents of her, our youngest, last September.  However, we continued use of our “old” boat and left her at the shop because it was nearly time to winterize for the harsh NY winters.  We went to this shop browsing, hoping to see a similar, used boat that we’d found online.  This was parked out front.  It was bigger, brand new and exactly the colors we wanted.  Alas, the other boat was down in the water somewhere and hey, how about before we go look at that we take a peek at that gorgeous one out front?  The rest is history.  

 

 

One thing to know about my new husband and I is that in our prior relationship almost 4 years ago, we were on the boat every single time we were together.  We shared the most romantic moments of our lives on that boat and created a remarkable bond.  It wasn’t broken even in the two years apart, where we thought we might never be together again.  (But both secretly hoped we would be).  We were a blind date, and that’s a story that MUST be told for another day…once I’m done my whole divorce reflection that you guys are hungering for more of!

So our boat is pivotal and a huge part of our lives.  We needed more sleeping room.  In this one, we have our own “room”.  Each kid has their own bed.  So we can’t wait for our days on the lake.  Soon enough, mid-May, we have our first lesson with our new girl and take her to her home at our marina.  We’ve already got the personalized towels and I’m starting to shop for all the bedding and dinnerware.  (We already have the plastic wineglasses!).  And lucky me, my husband chose to name her after me.  🙂  Actually, after a pet name he created for me…and it will have two shamrocks on either side of the name.  We went to the graphic design guy last week to get it all set.  Exciting! 

And the playset is nearly done.  Can’t believe he built it all by himself!

Former Single Mom, yeah I guess so. :(

 

Ok, so here’s the reply to a few questions from Ms. Single Mama  a single mom whose blog I just love!  It’s my new discovery, but I’m sure I’ll be going back there often.

 

So going from the transition of single mom, to having a husband again is…well, an adjustment.  I wanted this so badly.  Some other time, I’ll have to tell the story of my husband and I on here.  I didn’t save it from my old blog.  (Bad Shannon, no more deleting blogs!).  But after two years of realizing that he was the one for me and missing him oh-so-much (albeit glorified because he was with someone else during that time and you know that whole thing about hindsight), I was willing to do things I’d said before I would never, never, no never, do again.  I wanted marriage, I wanted one house, I wanted a family.  Yikes.  Now, where did Shannon go?  Actually, that’s what he said.  But he was very happy, since that’s the girl he’d wanted all along.  So, fast forward to us living together for about 6 months before we got married.  Yay fun times!  Slumber parties, whoa we are busy, his son starts kindergarten, B’s activities begin to pick up, planning our Hawaiian vacation, the holidays, high speed all the way.  Then, we’re in Hawaii in January, recently engaged and what do you know, we plan a wedding while we are there and get married with our two kids in tow, rejoicing all the way! La-de-da.  Now we are back home and it’s daily routines and regular living.  Which I’m good at, really I am!  But I think I’m used to doing everything on my own and wowee do boys generate way more dirt!  🙂  They’re kinda messy folk.  The laundry quadrupled instead of doubling, now I have to cook a legitimate meal and you know what, my husband seems kind of different now that he’s my husband.  I think this is what we do.  We are so used to doing it all on our own and we do it so well, that when other people come in, we do not want to relinquish control.   Of anything.  I think I struggle with that a great deal.  And do we EVER have different parenting styles.  I’m more strict and definitely in control.  He thinks he doesn’t want to be “that kind of dad”, so is a bit lax (I’m being kind).  Raising another womans child is really tough.  Part of me feels bad for her.  Part of me is angry at her for not doing her job right (she wants to by the way, she wishes she could have him back) and part of me thinks I may have been nuts to jump into all this.  It’s an ongoing transition and I will definitely post and sometimes gripe about this on a regular basis.  Little things are hard to get used to.  I miss sleeping with my girl so I make a point to go somewhere with her once a month where we can sleep together and cuddle our hearts out.  I still do lay with her in bed awhile at night and lay with her to wake her up.  But STILL.  I miss my baby.  

Hmmm.  As for how much a partner really helps.  Well, he mows the lawn and does the outside stuff that my Dad used to help with, or various male friends or neighbors.  But I’m pretty self sufficient.  I do have more free time.  If I ASK, he will bring out the garbage or the recyclables or take my car for a wash.  He would even do laundry, although not really how it should be done.  So it helps.  Some.  But I never hated doing that stuff anyway.  It’s nice to have the financial relieft for sure!  I’ve always had a good job but now we are taking vacations and doing bigger things and in a bigger house.  That’s nice.  Especially for the peace of mind we single moms didn’t often get in regards to financial things.  That’s probably the biggest positive change.  That and the back and foot rubs.  

Ok, so although this is a brief answer to something I could talk for days about, there is one more question she mentioned.  I do not feel that his son is one of my own.  No, no, no.  I think he feels more that B is like one of his own, but that is a personality thing.  His son is a different kind of person, not easy to care for at all and has some very special needs and issues, so maybe that’s it.  Maybe not.  He loved my daughter when he first met her around 5 years ago and that completely freaked me out.  Not sure why, everyone loves her.  It shouldn’t have surprised me.  She’s bubbly and happy almost all the time and just a radiant little firecracker with a douse of mischief in her sparkle.  But I did not want to share her.  Actually I still don’t.  But she likes it.  She thrives off it.  And the odd part is, I became very close with another single mom that my ex-husband dated (our daughters became very close and we decided that they should remain friends) and she said she loved my daughter from the beginning too.  I love her girls very much.  Actually, my nephew is someone I loved from the moment he was delivered.  I felt heartwrenching love for him.  So it’s not that I don’t have that ability with other kids.  I’ve heard stepmoms may feel jealous so ok, maybe that?  But I do think he needs a bit more corrective parenting and I gently guide him.  I NEVER yell, would NEVER NEVER NEVER spank or physically punish him and I look out for his well-being all the time.  If I have any issues with him, I talk to his Dad privately and let him address it.  If I’m home alone with him and he does something that needs correcting, I do that as I would if I was babysitting.  I don’t let him misbehave, but I’m certainly not playing the evil stepmom either.  My guideline is I do what I would want my husband to do if the roles were reversed.  I don’t expect that anyone will love B the way I do-there is research proving that the chemicals involved in the mother/child bond run deep and pervade.  And everything I have encountered says you can’t expect to love someone right away…and that you may never feel that-after all, you fell in love with the parent.  Sometimes people are really lucky, and love the child right from the start.  But I won’t lie.  It’s a hairy situation.  You are expected to live with and raise someone else’s child and treat it equal to your own. But you don’t have the real authority to discipline or make core decisions in most instances. Let’s be honest.  With someone who has been a single mom, that won’t really happen.  Our tie is a blood tie.  That child is our everything.  No man can replace that.  Now I am sure there are some single dads who have this dynamic.  In my own experience, those aren’t the guys I’ve run into it-so it seems it may work differently for men.  We all love very differently.  When my daughter is away from me, even at school I miss her.  I ache for her on the weekends she goes to her Dads.  I’ve not yet met the father who has that going on.  And my husband fought for full custody of his son to keep him safe.  I think thats the difference.  Responsibility plays hard in the male psyche.  I get a different husband when his son goes to visit his mom.  He’s more relaxed and less stressed.  So.  If I could give advice, probably it’s easier to have one of the two people getting married to NOT have full custody.  Then you have the occasional reprieve.  This may sound harsh and it’s probably not as clear as I want it to be, but it’s the best I could do while still getting work done.  And, I’m sure there are exceptions.  I can only offer my experience.  In addition, I’m pretty laid back.  If you aren’t…then this situation I’m in is definitely not a wise choice.  You kind of have to just roll with it.  I know my child inside and out…and this other child is a very different animal.